I would have to write a novel to get us both on the same page. So i'll just sum it up like this: I have 2 amazing kids, good friends i can count on one hand, and an impossible ex who is the father of my daughter. This blog will be about that.

Life is hard but i always try to remember...

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My deerest Clara,

Just kidding. What a lame attempt at a play on words.

Anyways, today i practiced making pipe cleaner antlers for our christmas photo.
Go ahead and borrow the idea for your kids, my friend already did :eye roll:
Clara's gonna be a little rudolph[a] and carter's gonna be a suave santa. mhmmm.

So, ignore her star for a nose, that'll be face paint when the time comes.
Oh, and she won't be nakee :D

oh deeeeer, she's darling :)

Sunday, November 28, 2010

I wanna show you something.

I wanna show you my house, seriously.
I switched around rooms today, and well, love it.
And i wish you, the internet world who stumbled accross my little page, could see it.

You can see a peek of it, here:
I have my own room now.
The kids are sharing [with a divider], and Carter was reluctant.
But he got on board when grandpa came over and said the idea rocked.

I'm decorating the walls tomorow.
And NOT with pink and yellow owls or adorable paper lanters.
And NOT with spider man and g-force posters.

Friday, November 26, 2010

What a man, what a very good man.

I've been with men. Chyea. All the wrong ones.

Lately i've been thinking alot about my choices in men. How sucky they are, really. I keep fighting myself from going back to Jason, cos that would be settling. Seriously, and not just cause he looks like their offspring

but because he is NOTHING that i want in a person that i'd be happy with.

But, i've spent so much time thinking of his qualities i dislike, I decided it's time to STOP that and instead, start thinking of the qualities i DO want in a person.

So, let's start.

1. I want a cute guy. With an awesome smile. A face that when i'm mad, i see it and i'm not mad anymore. [Seeing Jason's face used to piss me off]

2. I want a guy who isn't in to the bar scene as a nighty routine [that was like the ONE good thing about Jason]

3. I want a guy who likes my mom. Because she rocks.

4. I want a guy who goes to church with me--not just to 'worship' but because he wants to spend time with me-- and thinks its cool that we take the ferry every weekend and get mexican afterwards. YUM.

5. I want a guy who WANTS to do family things---  like go to the pumpkin patch in October, the zoo in the summer, the tree farm in December [Jason isn't do a thing for the holidays and never just wanted to take the kids out]

6. I want a guy who loves to be close. Hand-on-the-thigh-at-all-times close.

7. And who has the same crazy sex drive as me.

8. I want a guy who has a hobby. That isn't watcing Nascar.

9. I want a guy who likes my friends.

10. And a guy who wants to paint the walls bright instead of forest green with tapestries.

11. and a guy who thinks its awesome that i have purple christmas lights up year round and use skull 'n cross bone plates.

12. i just want a man, a very good man.



Oh, and going through old pictures, i found this, and liked it. Once upon a time I was 18 years old.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I be'd rally dumb 2day.

I did two unbelievable dumb things today.
Yes, two.

First: I accidently deleted all of the txt msgs from my ex/clara's dad. Not a big deal to most, but it was 169 msgs with various complaints/excuses/irrational statements having to do with our situation that i had for safe-keeping in case i ever needed them.

I tried writing the important ones down--but obviously it's just not the same.

If they were ever to be court ordered, I could have access to their print out-- but they was something that was so...settling..about having them near me.

Secondly, and this is just embarassing.
I drive my butt all the way out to silverdale [only about 20 away, but in the snow a good half hour +] and as i arrive to the shopping center with my friend--i realize i forgot my wallet.

That's right-- that hellish drive, and i forgot my wallet.

Thankfully my friend is a dear and bought me my items letting me reimburse her tomorow :]

But still, sheesh.

On a completely seperate note, i am STOKED for this tomorow:

Oops, i mean, this:


Happy thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

No one loves you like I love you.

I could've given up, I could've.
But i didn't.
And that's  what counts.
Pizza, oh pizza, no one loves you like I love you.

The snow had shut down Pizza Hut and it's delivery when I called as soon as they opened at 11. But i did not give up. I threw a private tempertantrum and vented about it on BG, yes-- but i did not give up. I called again 15 minutes ago....and ::que heavenly music:: they were oooopen! With restricted delivery, but whooo lives only 3 blocks away? That's right, ME.

WOOT WOOT i'm far too excited about this

Oh and PS, besides the snow sucking, it rocks:

Monday, November 22, 2010

How can something so awesome, suck so bad?

When it's not here, I want it. When it's here, I want it to hurry up and melt.
Over the years, we've loved snow, see, proof:

And we still love it, it puts us in a Christmas'y mood and gives a cute place for our first ornament of the season to sit for a photo opp-- see:

But now, there's school to go to, and doctor appointments to make it to, indoor soccer practice, physical therapy. OH! the things to do that snow prevents from happening!

We have no choice but to snuggle up with the fire place on and watch all our Christmas movies-- or movies with snow, like Happy Feet that have nothing to do with Christmas but because of the snow automatically get considered as a holiday film :)

On another note this is my Christmas List:

Er, yes. this is all for now. I'm not really needy.
Maybe i'll think  of more later.

A costco size package of Top Ramen, maybe?

I really wish Guston had a better personality.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I would rather eat my own hand...

...then go shopping on black Fridy.

Went shopping with a girlfriend today, while Carter was still at my parents and Clara tagged along, riding first class in her stroller.

We went to the mall, and I was impressed at what a good parking spot I managed to score. [Saying to my friend for the 10 millionth time, 'The mall should have family parking like IKEA does!!']

Entering the mall a man held the door for me 'n my apple pink stroller, and i dusted the snow off my friend's head to get rid of that 'i'm bringing dandruff back' look.

And that was about the last of the holiday spirit we experienced during our shop.

I don't know how many different times my stroller got knocked into just going down the walkway in the mall or how many 16 year old girls with their mom's bumped into us while going through clothes racks, we even witnessed a 2nd grade style, "did you just CUT me in line?!".

After about 20 minutes, I was already ready to go home, hang up my new purple christmas lights, and call it a day.

So i just know, if i can't even handle a regular holiday season saturday spent shopping, there is no way on earth i could come even close to surving black Friday.

Yeah, I'd be one of the 12 who are going to get trampled this year.

But for those of you who are braving the crowds this black Friday...
....Have fun!!!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Being single is terrifyingly awesome.

It's both, really. Terrifying, and awesome.

I remember before i ever met Jason/got pregnant a seond time [those 2 things happened almost simultaneously ::eye roll::] being single was AWESOME.

I seemed to alway be in a relationship, not being able to wait to get out of it and be single again.
The possibilities seemed endless.


But now, post Jason-- having him around daily and TWO kids, being single is terrifying....and still kinda awesome :P

Terrifying cos i have NO clue what our future looks like.
It's hard enough for some families of four to get by,
what's it going to be like in the future if i haven't met that 'somebody' yet,
just me, supporting two kids. What a terrifying thought.

But at the same time, knowing that i don't have to be with Jason for the rest of my life-- AWESOME.

Meeting someone who is goodlooking and sweet -- AWESOME
Having to start over with all the 'new stuff', wondering whats the truth and whats not-- TERRIFYING
Not living under Jason's controlling hand-- AWESOME
Meeting someone and having no clue where the relationship will be going-- TERRIFYING

OHHHH! it's just all up in the air.

On a side note, I've been seriously considering a hair cut, that would look something like this:

I dont know though.

Love and hair makes me so indecisive.

Saturdays are supposed to rock.

This one is just going to be a lazy one.

I have no clue how we are going to survive through today with me being sick as a dog :( My poor kids.

No soccer game for Carter today either, i guess i'll hafta let him run wild in the house to excert that energy :)

We were gonna try to feed Clara some baby food again, but we know how that went last time....

We want to start decorating for Christmas this weekend too :)
We plan to go with to the same tree farm we go every year to pick out and cut down a tree with our family, but for our own place, Carter and i REALLY want this tree:

My dad thinks we're nuts for not wanting a real one, since we've always had one, but i figure, we celebrate Christmas at their place anyways, and with Clara crawling around, i'd rather her not eat the tree :D

i'll be back for more later-- poopy diaper change :P
We just made hot cocoa :)
but i'm sick and can't even taste it :(
atleast C can!


So Carter's with my dad and Clara's with her dad for the next hour.
I should be sleeping. But instead i'm going through old photojournalism work.
I miss shooting :(

Friday, November 19, 2010

It's time for a change.

So first off, this man i'm about to speak of is 30. not some immature kid with room to grow. he's a grown man. age-wise.

We have a parenting plan of 2 hours, daily.
Now, he's never been a great man to me, but now he's starting to lose it as a father as well.
Not acceptable.
And time for a change.
He has always returned her early for various reasons, but the last week is when it has really peaked.

One day, he returns her early, saying, "I FINALLY found a way to tune her out" and pulls EARPLUGS out of his ears.

Our daughte is 4 months old.

The next day i drive up to his house, to get her early again, and can hear her SCREAMING from outside. I come in, she's bright red, real tears, just distraught.

I ask him what's happened, he says, 'what do you mean? she's here..this is what she always does when she's here'.

And today, he only lasted about 40 minutes with her.

So my prediciment is this:

She doesn't deserve to have 2 hours a day where she's completely distraught

But my son doesn't deserve to be subjected to spending any time with him either by having him come here for his 2 hours.

So, this week i'll be reevaluating the parenting plan looking for a solution to my problem.

But tonight i have 2 kids to put to bed, an eye infection and a cold.

What a negative first post this is.

I promise i'm no negative nancy, I just started this on a rough day. :]

My life saver today:

Back for more---

So today I tried different things with Clara to see if i could get her less...'dependent' on me, if that's even how you'd classify what she is [she really just doesnt like being with daddy]. I gave her a paci, and she actually took it. I put her down to nap with it, instead of nursing to sleep :[ and then when she woke up, i had her wake up to a picture of her dad instead of seeing me right away.

As much as i can't stand him, i'd pretty much do anything for her.
So it's like, 'conditioning her' to being able to stand being with him.

But from there 42 minute visit today, obviously, it's isn't working :(